[Kuzco]: 212.Kids' fight.

Rating: 0.40

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Kuzco

Created:

2006-08-24 20:37:51

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[Kuzco]: 212.Kids' fight

Keywords:

Kids' fight.

Style:

short story

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Free for private usage

My first and last fight:

I was feverish. It had been weeks like this! Wanna go to the beach? No? Let me punch you and kick you and punch and kick, ah good I knew you’d see it my way. What? Show me respect kid, I’m older! Punch ya, Punch ya for respect! Why do you keep winning? Cheater, gonna hurt ya, punch punch. Got nuthin else to do, PUNCH PUNCH!
It was morning, 2nd week vacations, 10 years old. I was standing in the arm of the sofa, he was lying on it; he kicked my legs.
I told him:
“That’s it. You hit me again, and I jump you.” I asked myself why in the world I had let it come to this. Why didn’t I ever strike back? Just enough to keep him from using me like a punching bag.
He smiled defiantly right at me, backed up his leg and kicked me. I half closed my eyes and did something I had never done in my life…hit back. As I jumped and landed a kick into his torso, I landed on the floor with my other leg while punching him in the face and chest. Overwhelmed, he pushed my leg away and punched my gut, getting up; we traded some punches but I was too pissed off for that weak crap! I clenched my hands around his neck and plunged my thumbs into his throat, screaming enraged. He punched me weakly on the sides and stomach and then someone separated us. I looked to the side and it was his brother, yelling, “Jesus, break it up!! NOW!!”
My best friend fell to his knees, massaging his neck and coughing as he tried to breathe. His brother took him to the bathroom right away. I, in the mean time, came to my senses. I told my self I did the right thing. Now he knew he had to stop that!
“I did right! I did right! I didn’t hurt him that bad, he’s faking it.”
His mother got home and was on my side; he came out of the bathroom and looked at me…sad, surprised with a hint of shock.
“You stupid asshole, you put me vomiting.”
“I did not, you liar.”
“Don’t exaggerate.”
“I’m not lying! He almost killed me Mom!” he said, scared out of his mind. I immediately felt remorse… I went to the bathroom, hearing his mother trying to reason with him.
“Oh my god…Oh my god…” I repeat to my self, crying desperately. I grabbed a knife and looked at it. I felt terrible, I felt like…like…I dropped the knife, which fell to the ground, and left the house by the backdoor that was in direct connection with the kitchen. I decided to go to the school, after all, it wasn’t that far and I couldn’t stay at his home, I just couldn’t…
On my way there, I recalled the moments, the expressions, trying to find out what was it I regretted and what I didn’t. I almost killed him and yet felt not a hint for it. The truth was my remorse came from not feeling regret. I felt bad because I saw no reason to feel bad.
“I just lost it…I don’t even know what happened. I jump him….somehow we get up. Somehow I grab his neck…I didn’t even hear his brother till he broke us up….” I entered the school and sat in a corner by myself. I repeated the word, "Sorry," over and over again as I cried. “What was I thinking?” then I gave out the proverbial ironic laugh, telling myself:
“I’m such a pussy…I can’t even fight a friend…I don’t wanna hurt them. I don’t want them to hurt me. I don’t want to lose them in any way…heh, it was crazy. I’m stupid.”
You see it in movies; you see it in tv shows and in books but you never truly know how bitter revenge is until you taste it... or how crazy and out of control you can get until you experience it. Truly a day I will never forget: my first and last fight that occurred on July of my tenth year in this world.

© Hugo Damas

2006-08-24 Emily: "He smileed defiantly right at me, backed up his leg and kicked me. " Smiled!

"I jumped and landed a kick on his torso while landing in the floor with my other leg while punching him in the face and chest. " Too many 'whiles' here. Something like, 'As I jumped and landed a kick into his torso, I landed on the floor with my other leg, while punching him in the face and chest. ' The comma between 'leg' and 'while' is up to you.

"I looked to the side and it was his brother, yelling:
“Jesus, break it up !! NOW!!” " Just, "I looked to the side and it was his brother, yelling, “Jesus, break it up!! NOW!!” " Works just as well, if not better.

My best friend fell on his knees massaging his neck, coughing up and trying to breathe; -- would be better as, "My best friend fell to his knees, massaging his neck and coughing as he tried to breathe."

“You stupid asshole, you put me vomiting.”
“I did not, you liar.”
“Don’t exaggerate son.”

The added "son" doesn't quite work. Parents don't really call their children "son" or "daughter" unless under special circumstances. It would most likely be best to just say, "Don't exaggerate," his mother said. Aside of, do ten year olds say "Asshole"?

"“I’m not lying! He almost killed me mom!” he said" Here's a rule I can tell you. 'Mom' in this case should be capitalized. It's a noun, therefore needs to be capitalized. BUUT... if it has "her/his/their/my" in front of it, then it doesn't need to be capitalized. I'm too tired to remember the pronoun noun relationship, but that's how it is. Yes.

"I felt like…like…I drop the knife, which falls on the ground, " A tense problem here. Should be, "I felt like…like…I dropped the knife, which fell to the ground, "

"On my way there, I recall the moments, the expressions, trying to find out what was it I regretted and what I didn’t." Tense issue. 'recalled'.

'“I just lost it…I don’t even know what happened. I jump him….somehow we get up. Somehow I grab his neck…I didn’t even hear his brother till he broke us up….”' A very weird tense issue. Usually it doesn't matter if a character is talking in a different tense (so they can tell a story or predict the future, or... whatever). You start as past tense and move to present tense while in character-speech. Pick one or the other. He's either re-telling the event as if it were going on then, or he's recalling it and going over what happened.

'I enter the school and go sit in a corner to be by myself. I repeat the word “sorry” over and over again as I start crying.' Tense issues. 'I entered the school and sat in a corner by myself. I repeated the word, "Sorry," over and over again as I cried."

Do ten year olds talk like that?

As for praise, I like it. It seems to have a deeper, more moral value under than what it shows on top. I always love your stuff. The characters in this one are a bit younger than compared to what you usually write. But, well done anyway!

2006-08-24 Kuzco:
heh, guess I messed up this one a lot. That’ll teach me to write late...thanks for reading and reviewing and point out all that stuff.
And please remember the dialogues are translated and yes, we cursed a lot, even at the tender age of 8. "Asshole"'s pretty standard namecalling so...I used. We didn’t called the direct translation you see? “cara de cu” no one uses that, doesn’t sound cool.

The dialogue tense switch: When I'm talking to myself, I tend to do that. "I just lost it..." was a comment about my attitude; the rest was remembering what happened.
The ten year olds I hanged around with did talk like that. As far as I can remember.

Thanks again for reading and the complements. I’m really glad you liked it.

2006-08-24 Emily: I grew up in a sealed'n'shut house, so it seems odd to me that 10 year olds would talk like that. I was raised thinking "Shut up" were swear words when put together.

Considering the rough and tumble of it, it seems acceptable :D.